How to have a fair argument
  • Start with the idea that you want to resolve the problem, not win the argument.
    • No one can “win” an argument.
    • Begin in a friendly way. 
    • Don’t attack.
      • The more you push, the more the other person is likely to push back
  • Pick a good time.
    • Set an appointment if possible.
    • Avoid arguing late at night or in the early hours of the morning.
    • Don’t start when you know that one or the other has to leave without adequate time to resolve the problem.
  • Pick a good place.
    • Don’t do it in public.
    • Don’t do it in front of other people.
  • Use the real reason.
    • Make sure you understand your real motivation.
    • Don’t disguise what you really want to talk about.
    • Don’t make the other person guess.
    • State your issue in clear terms.
  • If you are wrong, admit it as soon as you know it.
  • Use “I” statements.
    • Don’t say things like “You should know better.” or “You don’t think this important.”
  • You might think you can read their mind but you can’t.
  • Don’t drop or dump a problem on the other person.
    • “He’s your son, you deal with him.”
  • No physical contact.
  • No swearing, obscenities or name calling.
    • No denunciation.
    • No character assignation.
    • No contempt or sarcasm.
    • No taunting.
  • Only two people argue; all outsiders do not join in.
    • Do not get friends, family members or co-workers involved and taking sides.
    • Don’t send messages through third parties.
      • “Tell him I think he is being unreasonable.”
  • When discussing something, set a policy where one person talks first and the other is quiet and then the other person talks.
  • Stay on the subject.
    • No personalities or comparisons.
      • "You are just like your mother."
    • Avoid generalizations.
      • Words like “always” and “never” are not useful because they aren’t usually true.
  • Stay in the present.
    • Unless it is directly related to resolving the current conflict, let past issues stay in the past.
  • Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise or speculate.
    • Say what you think and feel.
    • Don't assume the other knows what you feel, want, need, or what you mean.
  • Don’t act superior.
    • Don’t belittle the other person's accomplishments.
    • It’s not useful to try to make the other person feel small.
    • Build them up so that they can more easily give in to your point of view.
  • No manipulating.
  • Give each other the right to change their mind.
  • No criticizing or humiliating.
    • “You’re so stupid.”
    • “You’re sister would never do that.”
    • “Why can’t you be smart like your brother?”
  • No putting undo pressure on the other.
    • This could be in the form of a threat...
      • “If you don’t agree with me, I will _________.”
  • No ranting and raving.
    • No intimidating or bullying.
    • Speak softly.
    • No getting angry (yelling or exploding).
  • Don’t make one feel guilty (no guilt trips).
  • No martyrdom.
    • On your part...
      • “That’s ok, I’ll just suffer quietly over here in the corner.”
  • No humor or laughing. 
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