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In any conflict situation, we have several
choices to make. The first choice is whether to avoid or engage. If you choose to engage, then you
can choose to try to force your way and dominate or to work to resolve the conflict using effective
communication techniques?
Use this chart to map out your typical
response to conflict and use the conflict resolution information below to help you map out a better
conflict resolution strategy.
Three most common causes of
conflict:
This is not
intended to be an exhaustive list, but in my experience with thousands of people, most conflicts
can be traced to one of these three root causes.
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Mismatched values
hierarchies.
Simply put, a "value" is what
a person believes to be important.
Each person's values are
arranged in a hierarchy with the most important value on the top and the least
important value on the bottom. Our research has revealed that people will always
seek out their highest value on the hierarchy.
When people or organizations
have different values, or have the same values in a different order, there is the
potential for conflict. The higher the values that are mismatched, the stronger the
conflict will be.
For example here are the
natural values hiearchies1 for men and
women with regard to relationships:
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Men
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Women
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- Sexual
fulfillment
- Recreational
companionship
- Attractive
spouse
- Domestic
support
- Admiration
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- Affection
- Conversation
- Honesty
and openness
- Financial
support
- Family
commitment
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As you can see (and probably know from experience), because of
these different hierarchies, there is a natural tendency toward conflict. This same
thing happens with other values in organizations.
The way to resolve a values conflict is to find a higher value
than the ones in conflict that all parties can agree upon. The two primary
techniques for doing this are:
- Chunking up and
down
- Perceptual
positions
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Attributing bad
motives.
Are they really out to get
you?
Do they really do this just to
make you mad?
Examine the motives that you
attributing to the other parties in the conflict and then ask yourself this
empowering question:
What else could this
mean?
You will be delighted with the
answers that you discover!
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Failure to compensate for
different perspectives.
We all have a unique set of values, beliefs, and past experiences
that color how we interpret events. These factors combine to create our “personal
perspective,” and these perspectives color our interpretation of words and
events.
It's entirely possible for two people to have exactly the same
experience and yet take completely opposite meanings for the
experience.
When we fail to take the time
to understand the perspectives of others, the even simplest events can deteriorate
into conflict. Read more...
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Realize this about
conflict:
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You cannot "fix" other
people.
It is difficult enough to
change ourselves... and almost impossible to change someone else. Because you can
only control yourself, adopt the first dynamic of effective
communication and
take responsibility for the outcome of the
situation.
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There will always be difficult
people.
The problem is not that there are difficult people. The problem
is that we expect there NOT to be difficult people!
Here's now NOT to deal with
people.
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YOU are someone else's difficult
person.
You may not have realized it before now, but there is a good
chance that some one finds it difficult to get along with you. Stop for a moment
and think of who it might be and then decide what you can do to smooth your
relationship with them.
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No one can control how you
feel.
Unless you let them.
If someone makes you happy or sad, or depressed, or angry,
resolve right now not to allow them to control you in the future. No one can
control how you feel unless you give them permission to do so. Now is the time to
take control.
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***IMPORTANT!***
Resources are added frequently. Check back often to stay current on your conflict resolution
skills and strategies.
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