Mismatched values hierarchies

Simply put, a "value" is what a person believes to be important.

Each person's values are arranged in a hierarchy with the most important value on the top and the least important value on the bottom. Our research has revealed that people will always seek out their highest value on the hierarchy.

When people or organizations have different values, or have the same values in a different order, there is the potential for conflict. The higher the values that are mismatched, the stronger the conflict will be.

For example here are the natural values hiearchies¹ for men and women with regard to relationships:

As you can see (and probably know from experience), because of these different hierarchies, there is a natural tendency toward conflict. This same thing happens with other values in organizations.

The way to resolve a values conflict is to find a higher value than the ones in conflict that all parties can agree upon. The two primary techniques for doing this are:

• Chunking up and down
• Perceptual positions

Attributing bad motives

Are they really out to get you?

Do they really do this just to make you mad?

Examine the motives that you attributing to the other parties in the conflict and then ask yourself this empowering question:

What else could this mean?

You will be delighted with the answers that you discover!

Failure to compensate for different perspectives

We all have a unique set of values, beliefs, and past experiences that color how we interpret events. These factors combine to create our “personal perspective,” and these perspectives color our interpretation of words and events.

It's entirely possible for two people to have exactly the same experience and yet take completely opposite meanings for the experience.

When we fail to take the time to understand the perspectives of others, the even simplest events can deteriorate into conflict. Read more...

You cannot "fix" other people.

It is difficult enough to change ourselves... and almost impossible to change someone else. Because you can only control yourself, adopt the first dynamic of effective communication and take responsibility for the outcome of the situation.

There will always be difficult people.

The problem is not that there are difficult people. The problem is that we expect there NOT to be difficult people!

Here's now NOT to deal with people.

YOU are someone else's difficult person.

You may not have realized it before now, but there is a good chance that some one finds it difficult to get along with you. Stop for a moment and think of who it might be and then decide what you can do to smooth your relationship with them.

No one can control how you feel.

Unless you let them.

If someone makes you happy or sad, or depressed, or angry, resolve right now not to allow them to control you in the future. No one can control how you feel unless you give them permission to do so. Now is the time to take control.