How to have a fair argument

• Start with the idea that you want to resolve the problem, not win the argument.
• • No one can “win” an argument.
  • Begin in a friendly way. 
  • Don’t attack.
  • • The more you push, the more the other person is likely to push back.

• Pick a good time.
• • Set an appointment if possible.
  • Avoid arguing late at night or in the early hours of the morning.
  • Don’t start when you know that one or the other has to leave without adequate time to resolve the problem.

• Pick a good place.
• • Don’t do it in public.
  • Don’t do it in front of other people.

• Use the real reason.
• • Make sure you understand your real motivation.
  • Don’t disguise what you really want to talk about.
  • Don’t make the other person guess.
  • State your issue in clear terms.

• If you are wrong, admit it as soon as you know it.

• Use “I” statements.
• • Don’t say things like “You should know better.” or “You don’t think this important.”

• You might think you can read their mind but you can’t.

• Don’t drop or dump a problem on the other person.
• • “He’s your son, you deal with him.”

• No physical contact.

• No swearing, obscenities or name calling.
• • No denunciation.
  • No character assignation.
  • No contempt or sarcasm.
  • No taunting.

• Only two people argue; all outsiders do not join in.
• • Do not get friends, family members or co-workers involved and taking sides.
  • Don’t send messages through third parties.
  • • “Tell him I think he is being unreasonable.”

• When discussing something, set a policy where one person talks first and the other is quiet and then the other person talks.

• Stay on the subject.
• • No personalities or comparisons.
  • • "You are just like your mother."
  • Avoid generalizations.
  • • Words like “always” and “never” are not useful because they aren’t usually true.

• Stay in the present.
• • Unless it is directly related to resolving the current conflict, let past issues stay in the past.

• Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise or speculate.
• • Say what you think and feel.
  • Don't assume the other knows what you feel, want, need, or what you mean.

• Don’t act superior.
• • Don’t belittle the other person's accomplishments.
  • It’s not useful to try to make the other person feel small.
  • Build them up so that they can more easily give in to your point of view.

• No manipulating.

• Give each other the right to change their mind.

• No criticizing or humiliating.
• • “You’re so stupid.”
  • “You’re sister would never do that.”
  • “Why can’t you be smart like your brother?”

• No putting undo pressure on the other.
• • This could be in the form of a threat...
  • • “If you don’t agree with me, I will _________.”

• No ranting and raving.
• • No intimidating or bullying.
  • Speak softly.
  • No getting angry (yelling or exploding).

• Don’t make one feel guilty (no guilt trips).

• No martyrdom.
• • On your part...
  • • “That’s ok, I’ll just suffer quietly over here in the corner.”

• No humor or laughing.

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